ask me about: the bear that chased me through the streets of Alaska • the time I ordered a poop sandwich • my grievous addiction to trading cards • my big whisk for emergencies • the Youtube algorithm that keeps suggesting I watch Looney Tunes • the correct way to order a cheesesteak • frying pans • those rocket skatesI’ve been thinking about • falling into quicksand • free samples of dynamite • where to buy giant mallets • loose banana peels • anvils and also huge magnets • pianos falling on my head and then I get up and I have piano keys for teeth • a bomb that looks like that even though bombs have never looked like that • a crate of brand name TNT that you need to activate by kicking both feet off of the ground and using two hands to push a big lever • signs that point to something but actually make me sprint off of a cliff by accident and run in place while suspended in midair before falling straight down • a big hole shaped exactly like my silhouette that the impact of that fall just caused • a devious trap that involves some version of me running quickly on foot into the side of a mountain that’s been painted to look like a tunnel • desert mirages of comically large and/or long sandwiches held together by toothpicks with olives on them that I try to eat in one bite • business monkeys in business suits smoking business cigars • a pie sitting on a windowsill whose smell anthropomorphizes into a hand that motions me with its finger to come closer and goes into my nose ultimately making me begin to float slowly off the ground towards the pie only to have the window shut on me • separating Florida from the contiguous mainland United States by cutting it with a saw • presents with spring loaded boxing gloves in them • being electrocuted and seeing my own skeleton with the clarity of an x-ray • getting flattened into a perfect circle by a steamroller or sometimes a bowling ball • falling into an open manhole cover • wait • wait • okay • we’re gonna pause this cause I’m laughing so hard right now that I’m kinda crying a little • I started to run out of cartoon stuff to do for this bit so I asked ChatGPT for more and these are • so• much better than anything I did just now • this one is “a sun hat that grows to the size of a small house and then turns into a giant fish tank where the fish look suspiciously like miniature pirates”•“an elevator button that, when pressed, transports me to a parallel universe where everyone’s shoes are made of marshmallows, and I can never quite figure out if it’s a good or bad thing”• hahaha, wait, this next one is so AI good•“so, there I was, standing in front of a vending machine that only accepts tokens from the future”• god • I’m actually crying now • that one is so good • okay • I gotta take a breather now • I spit my water out a little bit on that last one and some of it got on my keyboard so we should probably wrap this up • if you made it this far we’d be friends and you should hire me to make stuff for you • or we can just hang out • I’m not all business-y like that • if you’re ever in Richmond there’s this super weird coffee place that opens at 6am and closes at midnight and they sing people happy birthday really aggressively over the loudspeaker and I’m obsessed with it, so we can go there and chill and stuff if you want •thanks for the 6 and a half minutes and sorry that this makes your eyes all wonky when you look away • to wrap up here’s my impression of haphazardly starting a portfolio with a bunch of non-sequitur facts •
I’m Ben. I’m an
art director and two-time Super Bowl winning
quarterback
who loves
two
truths and a lie.